Retailer Amazon Announces Shock Merger

Amazon founder, Jeff Bezos, shocked the world business community yesterday by announcing plans to partner the online retail giant with the Imperial Empire.

The merger – which will see the internet company relocate its headquarters from Seattle to the orbiting Death Star battle station – is expected to create almost three hundred jobs, and will expand the range of services provided at present by both parties.

“At the moment we provide everything from books to streaming movies via Amazon Prime,” a holographically projected Bezos announced at a press conference last night. “But now, following our merger with the Galactic Empire, we will be able to more effectively negotiate with troublesome suppliers, giving us better control over our supply chain and discount structure.”

Another benefit of the merger will sees Amazon – the world’s most popular online store – gain access to enough firepower to destroy a planet, although a spokesman for the Empire described even this as “insignificant” when compared to many of the other advantages the partnership will bring to both sides.


“From humble beginnings back in 1994, we’ve built Amazon up to be a globally recognised brand which operates in many different sectors,” said Bezos. “Thanks to the new opportunities and markets which will open to us following our joining with Emperor Palpatine and his government, along with the security provided by the shield generator on the forest moon of Endor, we are now in a position to consolidate the company’s place at the very top of the internet tree.”

Shares in Amazon have remained steady following the announcement, despite concerns about the morality of the company’s new partner, who have in the past admitted to regularly using telekinetic strangulation during staff disciplinary proceedings. Bezos was quick to dismiss some shareholders’ fears that a small band of separatist booksellers may have identified a weakness within the new corporate structure, which they may even now be planning to act upon.

Dark Lord of the Sith, Emperor Palpatine (97) was also quick to allay shareholders’ concerns, telling them via memo that discussions were ongoing with a key player in the rebel group which would, all being well, see him join the newly formed Amazon Galactic! and help bring about the end of decades of fighting and unrest.

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