Bosses and staff at BBC News will come in for heavy criticism tomorrow from Lieutenant Chad Ryker, a Chronal Protection Officer from the latter half of the 24th century.
Ryker (42), who traverses the strands of time like a silken web, will journey back to 2015 in order to issue a formal caution to the broadcaster for their repeated violation of ‘the Chronal Dictate’ – a complex series of laws set up to protect the time stream from dangerous interference.
The dictate – which will be drawn up in the High Galactic Chamber of Sh’Keth 200 years from now – expressly forbids the use of time manipulation for personal or monetary gain. Mr Ryker believes the BBC’s decision to broadcast reports about events which have yet to take place puts the corporation in direct violation of a number of time laws.
“According to Chonal Protection records, at some point within the last decade the BBC started to regularly use ‘will’ instead of ‘did’ in their news coverage,” the chisel-jawed Ryker will explain, his blue eyes blazing with left-over quantum energy. “BBC morning broadcasts are now filled with ‘David Cameron WILL announce later today,’ and ‘A spokesmen for the palace WILL issue a statement,’ suggesting someone within the corporation has got their hands on some basic level chrono-tech.”
James Harding, the BBC’s director of news and current affairs, will take the brunt of the blame for breaching the Chronal Dictate, before Lieutenant Ryker issues an official Chronal Protection Unit caution.
The caution will not only prevent BBC News staff reporting future news, but will also forbid Mr Harding or other BBC representatives visiting the distant Moon of Thrann, where the great Quantum Fields of the Infinity Sphere produce their nightly crop of Chronocrystals, the microscopic crystaline particles at the heart of all time travel technology.
A spokesman for the BBC will call the decision, “disappointing.”
Before he returns to the future, Lieutenant Ryker will shake his head in amusement at a Pot Noodle, before warning us to “keep a very close eye” on former X-Factor judge, Louis Walsh.