BREAKING: Giant Phallus Misfires, Killing Four

The giant phallus
The giant phallus

An enormous “Better Together” branded phallus – first revealed by Newsthing – has backfired in the Lake District, killing four people and injuring dozens more.

Reports are coming in of what appears at this stage to be a tragic accident, but initial indications suggest that at least three of those killed by the phallus had been employed by the Better Together campaign and were in the process of loading it onto a specially constructed flatbed truck, designed to carry it north into Dumfries & Galloway.

It appears that during the complex lifting procedure the phallus’s powerful internal mechanism somehow triggered, engulfing those on the scene in thousands of gallons of sticky ejaculate which was intended for the residents of Gretna Green in the event of a No vote in today’s referendum.

ERUPTED

Cumberland Infirmary
Cumberland Infirmary

The ejaculate, which had been donated over a period of several weeks by members of the cabinet and Conservative party backbenchers, is said to have “erupted” from the giant phallus like a hot, sticky geyser, instantly killing three of the workmen who were positioned up near the phallus’s tip. A fourth person is believed to have died while being airlifted to Cumberland Infirmary in Carlisle.

The force of the escaping ejaculate is believed to have pushed the phallus backwards, where it collided with a bus of Labour and Conservative MPs, who had recently arrived on the scene. Sources on the scene reveal that the MPs were expected to walk solemnly behind the giant phallus as it was driven slowly north of the border this evening, ready to be deployed early tomorrow morning.

Although many of the MPs on board the bus have suffered serious injuries, only two – Anne Marie Morris, the Conservative MP for Teignbridge, and current Minister for Transport, Claire Perry – are believed to be in critical condition.

Prime Minister David Cameron, who personally designed and authorised the giant phallus project, is said to be “devastated” by the news, but has revealed a back-up plan which, in the event of a No vote, will see East Lothian and the Borders shat on by a giant mechanical arse.

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