Britain First Scientists Propose “Schrödinger’s Immigrant” Theory

A team of researchers from anti-immigration group, Britain First, has published findings which it claims proves a foreign immigrant can be both claiming UK unemployment benefit and stealing all the country’s jobs at the same time.

Britain First has long claimed that immigrants – particularly those of Muslim faith – are a drain on the UK benefits system, while simultaneously taking all the available jobs. In a paper published today, the group says it is finally able to provide concrete evidence to back up its claims.

“So what we done, right,” explained Professor Doug Whiteman, who heads up the group’s Applied Sciences division, “was stick an immigrant in a big wooden box along with a benefits claim form and a Tesco job application. We then nailed the lid shut, and spent forty-five minutes banging the box with the back of a spade, just to noise the guy up a bit.”

Whiteman, who has nine children by four different women, went on to explain that with the lid closed it was impossible to determine whether the migrant had filled out the benefits claim form or the job application.

As a result, the assumption had to be made that both outcomes had taken place at the same time, and that the migrant – who recently fled war-torn Syria with his wife and two young children – was both on benefits and stealing a job which could otherwise have gone to a hard-working British ex-serviceman.


“We’ve been saying for years that Muslims have been both sponging off the state and securing gainful employment, while looking a bit different to the rest of us,” said Britain First leader, Paul Golding. “And this research what the lads have done probably proves that. Somehow.”

Added Golding: “Although we did realise next day that we’d forgotten to put a pen in the box with him, but the science is still sound.”

While Britain First is confident of its findings, members of pro-immigration groups have been quick to point out the possibility that the trapped migrant didn’t fill out either form, and therefore was neither in the benefits system, nor securing work.

After meeting with the scientists who carried out the original study to discuss the proposals put forward by the groups, Mr Golding replied: “Fuck off, you lefty cunts.”

As opening the crate’s lid would render the study invalid, members of Britain First are expected to dispose of the box later today by smearing it in bacon and setting it on fire, before shoving it into a ditch and running away laughing.

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