Alistair Darling Stoops to New Referendum Low

Supporters for Scottish independence reacted with shock and horror yesterday, when Better Together leader, Alistair Darling, unleashed a genetically modified duplicate of Scotland’s First Minister, Alex Salmond, on an unsuspecting crowd of South Ayrshire pensioners.

In what is being described as “a new low” for the Better Together campaign, the SNP leader’s double – badly discoloured due to an apparent flaw in the cloning process – ran riot through the gathered senior citizens, making wildly inaccurate statements regarding a number of key topics, including the proposed currency union and an independent Scotland’s plans for the NHS.

Mr Darling appeared to loudly agree with the misinformed remarks being made by Salmond’s duplicate. At one point he was heard to shout, “See? Straight from the horse’s mouth!” when the clone commented that pensions in an independent Scotland would be reduced to just five pounds a week, and that new SNP legislation would outlaw the home-made production of tablet and jam.

“It was really frightening,” said eye-witness, Agnes McQuarrie (82). “There we were talking about knitting and bowling like how we always do, when up comes His Nibs giving it all, ‘Current NHS expenditure cannot be sustained,’ and ‘I’ll eat your grandkids alive,’ and the like.”

Added Agnes: “We didn’t know where to look.”


As luck would have it, Alex Salmond himself was meeting voters in South Ayrshire at the same time, and after an aide passed on the news of his blue-faced double, quickly raced to the scene.

The Salmonds are said to have immediately engaged in hand-to-hand combat. With both combatants identically matched – and with Deputy SNP leader, Nicola Sturgeon, inexplicably unable to tell them apart and lend assistance – the battle raged for almost an hour.

The fight finally came to an end when the clone was punched through a first-floor window, fell heavily onto a wrought-iron fence, and was impaled through the chest by a decorative iron railing.

Speaking after the confrontation, Mr Salmond (59) said the event was a sign of Better Together’s “increasing desperation.”

“With less than 48 hours until the polls open, Better Together is trying anything and everything to manipulate the people of Scotland,” said the First Minister, dabbing gingerly at his raw, bloodied knuckles, “from their vague promises of future powers to their use of dangerously unstable cloning technology.

“But it won’t work. The people of Scotland can see right through their lies,” added Salmond, wincing as Sturgeon (44) cauterised a deep gash above his left eye with a lighter.

We approached Alistair Darling for his comment, but he’d slipped away in the confusion and was refusing to come to the door of his West London flat this morning.

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