A huge clean-up operation is underway in Inverness today, after Liberal Democrat MP Danny Alexander’s charisma levels plunged below zero outside the city’s Eastgate shopping centre, ripping a hole in the very fabric of space.
Mr Alexander (42) is believed to have been on his way back to his car, which was located in the centre’s underground car-park, when a Big Issue seller attempted to engage him in conversation. It is alleged that Mr Alexander ignored the seller completely, going so far as to swerve to avoid the homeless man’s outstretched magazine.
Moments later, a “deep, pulsing hole” was seen to open in the centre of the Chief Secretary to the Treasury’s chest, which widened quickly to become what one terrified eye-witness describes as “a swirling vortex of despair.”
It is believed that Mr Alexander’s charisma levels – already dangerously low – had dropped below zero, plunging him into the previously hypothetical “N-Charisma Zone” and tearing asunder the universe itself.
As the chasm of Mr Alexander’s negative charisma widened, objects and children were seen to be dragged inside by the hole’s immense gravitational pull. A concrete bench was torn from the ground, shattering to dust as it passed through the charisma void’s event horizon, before being swallowed by the crushing darkness within.
A howling gale ripped through Inverness’s busy pedestrian area causing dozens of helpless shoppers – many of whom had voted for Mr Alexander in the 2010 general election – to tumble like rag dolls through the air, before being devoured by his gaping, charisma-less maw.
A larger-scale disaster was only averted when a police marksman – who was appointed to watch over the former Secretary of State for Scotland in case of just such an incident back in 2011 – was able to fire a dart containing a concentrated dose of charisma into Mr Alexander’s neck.
The charisma – believed to have been extracted from singer, Tom Jones, during series one of BBC talent show, The Voice – was enough to lift Mr Alexander out of the N-Charisma Zone and seal shut the black hole.
However, experts warn that this can only be considered a temporary measure, and that there is “a strong possibility that [Mr Alexander’s] charisma, empathy, or basic human decency” may plunge below zero at any moment – the results of which, they warn, may be “cataclysmic on a global scale.”
Mr Alexander agreed to talk to NewsThing this morning at his Inverness home, but he was so utterly devoid of charm or personality that we couldn’t take any of it in.