“Charles Will Never Be King,” says Palace Spokesman

In a move likely to come as a surprise to many, Buckingham Palace today announced that Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth the Second will continue to serve as the head of the Commonwealth for “another thousand years at least.”

Though royal watchers have speculated recently about the possibility of an imminent abdication, Her Majesty – who celebrated her 88th birthday in April – has quashed the rumours with the announcement that she intends to remain on the throne until the year 3000.

In a letter sent to the world’s press this morning, a palace official explained that the House of Windsor has three neurosurgeons on 24 hour standby, ready to swoop into action upon Her Majesty’s death. Upon the Queen’s passing, the team of surgeons will work fast to remove her brain from her body, before transplanting it into the virtually indestructible titanium shell of a piston powered “Robo Queen”, currently under construction at a top secret London location.

The move will see Elizabeth become Britain’s longest serving monarch, shattering the record set by Queen Victoria during her 63 year reign by almost ten centuries.


Charles: "Disappointed"
Charles: “Disappointed”

“Her Majesty is an important figurehead for Britain and the Commonwealth, and plays a vital role in the economy of the United Kingdom,” said a spokesman for the Queen, “By essentially granting her everlasting life – albeit in android form – she can continue to provide the first class service to the country she has provided throughout her entire reign to date.”

While the concept of the Queen’s brain inhabiting a mechanical body may sound like science fiction, the technology has in fact been around for a number of years. Due to the expense involved in constructing the hulking twelve feet high frame required to carry the onboard life support and computer equipment, a working prototype has never been produced.

Despite this, Professor Martin Andrews, head of the team responsible for designing and constructing the “MechaMaj 3000” is confident the project will be a success.

“Obviously when you’re building something like this for the Queen, you have to get it right first time,” Andrews explains. “That is why we’ve got some of the greatest minds in the world ironing out any last minute bugs in the system, as well as developing additional modules which can be incorporated into the MechaMaj should the need arise, such as a guidance computer or jetpack.”

Added Andrews: “Or shoulder mounted laser cannon.”

In addition to her existing royal duties, Her Majesty is expected to take on extra responsibilities following the transplant procedure, including defending the coastlines of the United Kingdom from terrorist attack. And Godzilla.

Heir to the throne, HRH Prince Charles, was unavailable for comment on his mother’s decision to become an android and rule over the United Kingdom for the next millenia, but a royal aide has described the prince as “disappointed”.

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