Claudia Winkleman to Replace All Other BBC Presenters

The BBC has announced that as of January 1st 2015, all of its current television and radio presenters will be replaced by Strictly Come Dancing co-host, Claudia Winkleman. This date will also see a team of digital effects artists begin altering thousands of hours of BBC archive footage in order to replace all past show hosts with the forty-two-year-old star.

Winkleman – who began her broadcasting career on regional discussion show, Central Weekend – is expected to net upwards of sixty million pounds a year in a deal which will see her work for over eighteen hours a day, seven days a week until her eventual death.

“Claudia is a familiar face to our viewers thanks to her presenting roles on Strictly and its spin-offs, Film 2014, The Great British Sewing Bee and Comic Relief,” explained BBC Director General, Tony Hall, “and we feel the obvious next step is for her to replace each and every one of our presenters both past and present, and in doing so become the figurehead of the BBC.”

Continued Hall: “With increasing competition from both in broadcasting and online, we realised we had to find the ‘Face of the BBC’ in order to ensure our brand is instantly recognisable in a rapidly expanding market. I’m delighted to announce that that face is the quirkily attractive, hair-in-her-own-eyes face of Claudia Winkleman.”

As well as her near constant presenting duties, Winkleman will be required to record every word in the Oxford English Dictionary using a variety of emphasis, so that she may provide the voice for an entirely computer generated version of herself which will continue her presenting duties in the decades following her passing.

OUTRAGE

Broadcasting union BECTU has expressed its outrage over the BBC’s decision to axe around 8,000 members of staff, and promises to take the corporation to the High Court to force them to reconsider the move. However, legal experts are adamant that no laws exist which forbid replacing every BBC presenter throughout time with Claudia Winkleman, and so are confident of victory in any such legal action.

While sympathetic towards all those who will lose their jobs as a result of her new role, Winkleman admits to being “very excited” about the months and years ahead.

“I’m thrilled at the prospect of being the face of all the corporation’s satellite and terrestrial channels now and for the remainder of time,” Claudia told us. “Now I actually will be on every single programme on the BBC, rather than just conveying the impression that I am.”

Added Winkleman: “Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go read the news.”

We approached Winkleman’s Strictly Come Dancing co-host, Tess Daly, for her thoughts on the announcement, but she just kept crying all the time, so we left.

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