Co-op Group Agrees Use of Armoured Mechanoids

Some blissfully unaware chavs, yesterday
Some blissfully unaware chavs, yesterday

Controversial plans proposed by the Co-operative Group which could see hundreds of teenagers brutally slain each year have been given the go-ahead, following a vote by shareholders at an extraordinary general meeting held this week.

During discussions on the problems caused by groups of youngsters hanging around outside Co-op stores harassing customers and staff, a suggestion was put forward for an “automated mechanoid of some kind” which could be located inside each store and deployed whenever the need arose.

The virtually indestructible robot – dubbed “The ChavBuster 6000” – would be equipped with state of the art weaponry and on-board computer systems, allowing it to quickly identify and destroy any troublemaking youngsters.

Laying dormant for the majority of the time, the ChavBuster would only be activated as a last resort, when all other attempts to move the teenagers on had failed. Once activated, the mechanoid’s sensors would seek out loutish behaviour taking place within a fifty yard radius of the store, and quickly move to intercept.

The ChavBuster would then issue the first of three verbal warnings, offering the troublesome teens the opportunity to relocate. Should the third of these warnings be ignored the ChavBuster would then enter “Battle Mode”, before swiftly and efficiently killing its target(s) and disposing of their bodies in a specially constructed furnace within the Co-op store itself.

How the mechanoid may look.
How the mechanoid may look

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Many youth workers have expressed their dismay over the Co-op’s proposal, with some claiming they will boycott the company’s stores should the ChavBuster scheme be put into action.

“Many of these youngsters are not real troublemakers, and simply don’t have any other place to go,” one youth centre leader told us. “Okay, they may swear and spit at people as they go into the stores and challenge the staff to fights, but most of them are not really bad kids, so to suggest they be butchered en masse by a huge robot is really not going any way to addressing the underlying problem.”

“It’s addressing my underlying problem,” Co-op customer Edith Jackson (52) responded, “which is that I can’t go and buy bread after 7pm for fear of being screamed at by a gobby fourteen year old tart while her nineteen year old boyfriend sucks on her neck like a vampire.”

Manchester businessman, Derek Brown agrees: “Nine times out of ten when I go to use the cash machine at my local Co-op it’s either out of order or covered in human faeces,” he told us, “both of which I attribute to the kids hanging around outside.”

Added Derek: “Human excrement – in fact excrement of any kind – should simply not be a factor when trying to withdraw cash from an ATM. It’s unnecessary and it’s unnacceptable.”

A spokesman for the police has warned members of the public against taking the law into their own hands, although he admitted that the legality of designing an armoured mechanoid for the sole purpose of murder is not one which have been fully explored in the UK courts, so it is difficult at present to accurately predict the outcome of any case which might arise as a result of the ChavBuster’s actions.

The Co-operative Group are currently said to be reviewing designs and schematics for the robot, but hope the first production run will be complete by the end of March 2015. It is believed ten prototype ChavBusters will be initially produced and tested at trouble hotspot stores around the country. If all goes well all 2400 Co-op stores should have their own on-site mechanical war machine in time for Christmas of the same year.

ChavBuster concept art by ChainDaisy.

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