Prime Minister, David Cameron, has today ordered a “thorough and comprehensive recount” of the votes cast in last Friday’s referendum on Scottish independence, as he point-blank refuses to believe a majority of Scots voted in favour of remaining in the UK.
Mr Cameron – who appeared to be heavily intoxicated – announced the recount via a late night streamed YouTube broadcast from within 10 Downing Street, surrounded by towering stacks of ballot boxes.
“I was sure this was it. I was sure we were finally going to get rid of those fucking Jocks once and for all,” said an exasperated Mr Cameron. “But oh no. Fifty-five percent of them voted in favour of remaining in the United Kingdom. Fifty-five percent! I mean… Christ on a bike! Were they even listening to a word that was said?”
Mr Cameron (47), explained that it had been a lifelong ambition of his to split Scotland away from the rest of the United Kingdom – an ambition which has now been thwarted by what he calls “the unfathomable stupidity” of the Scottish people.
“Seriously, what is wrong with them?” asked Mr Cameron – who has said he will personally count each and every one of the 3.6 million votes cast if he has to. “Clearly everything we said during the campaign – and I mean everything – was poorly-conceived bullshit with no basis in fact whatsoever.”
Added a visibly shaken Cameron: “I pretended to cry, for fuck’s sake. I went up there and I pretended to cry!”
According to the Prime Minister, everyone in the Better Together campaign had been tasked with ensuring Scotland broke away from the rest of the UK, but were under strict instructions to maintain the illusion that they wanted the three-hundred-year-old union to remain intact.
“We Scots are a stubborn bunch,” said Better Together leader, Alistair Darling, outside his London apartment this morning, “so we knew if we just told them to quit the union, they’d do the opposite just out of spite. We had to make the people of Scotland believe we wanted them to remain as part of the UK.”
“Unfortunately,” continued Mr Darling, “they’re more gullible than we suspected, and – quite inexplicably – seem to have taken us at our word.”
As a grimly determined Cameron began opening the first of the many thousands of ballot boxes he’d had delivered to Downing Street, he insisted that he and his colleagues had succeeded in running the single worst political campaign in history, and firmly believed they had been “robbed of defeat” by counting irregularities after the vote.
“There’s no way they didn’t see right through that vow I made with Cleggy and Pie Face. No way,” insists Cameron. “I mean think about the whole thing for a minute – not only did we have George Galloway on our side, we put him on live telly dressed as the Child Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang!
“And you expect me to believe people actually voted for us?” said Mr Cameron. “No way. I don’t buy it.”
Mr Cameron will now spend the next several weeks painstakingly counting each of the votes by hand, in the hope that the final tally comes out in favour of Yes and he can finally and irrevocably tell Scotland to “fuck right off.”