Following what is feared to be the beginnings of a UK-wide Avian Flu epidemic, the government has hurried through legislation which temporarily assigns full control of the UK’s armed forces and emergency services to TV bird expert, Bill Oddie.
A case of the virus – confirmed this morning to be the deadly H7N9 strain – was found in the bodies of four swans in a pond in Surrey late yesterday evening. Experts say that the chances of this being an isolated incident are slim, and that other infected wildlife may pose “a real danger” to humans – particularly the elderly and those with underlying medical conditions.
Although it is currently rare for the virus to infect humans, scientists predict it’s only a matter of time before it mutates into a strain which passes easily from person to person. This is why bird expert, Oddie (73), was granted the emergency powers in the early hours of this morning, in the hope that his unrivalled knowledge of ornithology can help prevent the deaths of tens of thousands of British citizens.
The emergency powers granted to Oddie give him full, executive control over all the British armed forces at home and abroad, as well as the UK’s emergency and law enforcement services. Oddie will continue to hold his new authority until such times as all threat of Avian Flu has passed.
“We are on the cusp of a grave, desperate situation,” Prime Minister David Cameron said in a televised address to the nation this morning, “and one which, if handled incorrectly, may see large numbers of needless deaths. Deaths which could be avoided were the right man in charge.”
Continued Cameron: “I believe that man is former Goodies star, Bill Oddie.”
After the Prime Minister had finished speaking, Oddie – who became president of the West Midlands Bird Club in 1999 – stepped up to the podium and told the nation that it was “with a heavy heart” that he accepted the emergency powers, but pledged to do his utmost to protect all UK citizens worldwide from the threat of Avian Flu.
“I do not want this responsibility, but my vast knowledge of birds and their ways means I have little choice but to accept,” the former Bird in the Nest presenter said. “Your safety is my only concern. That is why I am imposing an 8pm curfew across the whole of the UK. All those found outside after this time by patrolling soldiers can and will be shot. This I do for the greater good. This I do so that the human race may exist to one day look back and judge my actions.”
“May God be with us all,” Oddie added, solemnly.
Full details of what those living in Britain should do during the imposed “Oddie Law” will be revealed on BBC television and radio later this afternoon and, Oddie insists, any breach of these rules will “regretfully” be punishable by death.