Hundreds Evacuated in Dorchester Hotel Drama

Around 300 guests and staff were forced to evacuate London’s exclusive Dorchester hotel this afternoon, after an outbreak of working class ripped through the eight-storey building, causing hundreds of thousands of pounds worth of damage.

The outbreak is thought to have started in the hotel kitchen, when a batch of thinly sliced potatoes intended to be used in a gratin dauphinoise recipe came into contact with hot oil, turning them almost instantly into chips. The working class quickly took hold and spread through the rest of the kitchen, lowering the tone of everything in its path.

“It was horrible,” said head chef, Tom Scade. “There I was, preparing a light gazpacho soup to be served for lunch. I reached for the red wine vinegar and when I turned back the gazpacho had turned into cream of mushroom.

“And not even Heinz or anything,” said Scade. “Aldi’s own brand.”

Added the chef: “I feel so dirty inside.”


Mr Scade quickly raised the alarm, while the remainder of the kitchen staff attempted to beat back the working class with copies of Fabrio Trabocchi’s cookbook, Cucina of Le Marche, and some smoked, chargrilled fennel.

Despite their efforts, the outbreak soon spread to the dining area, where many guests were horrified to watch the vinaigrette dressing on their steamed lettuce and watercress parcels turning to salad cream before their very eyes.

“It was appalling,” one guest told us, vividly recalling the moment his ginger and horseradish tea morphed into Tetley’s. “One minute I’m sipping a zesty ginger and horseradish tea from a bone china cup, the next I’m holding a cracked mug with a picture of what I’ve since found out to be someone called George Micheal on the front.”

Added the guest: “It was frightful. Just frightful.”

Guests and staff alike scrambled for the exits in panic, as the working class engulfed the Dorchester’s original 1930s furniture and private art collection. It is thought that many of the works in the hotel’s collection have now been replaced by images of dogs playing pool, babies in giant plantpots, and that one of the woman with the green face from the Guinness advert.

Emergency services were quick to attend the scene, but the working class wasn’t brought under control until shortly after 5PM, when TV presenter and interior designer Lawrence Llewelyn-Bowen entered the hotel and single-handedly beat it to death with a Clarence Cliff vase.

Although no-one was injured in the outbreak, it is thought that one woman has been struck down with what doctors at the King Edward VII hospital are describing as “a Mancunian accent”. The woman’s family – who have asked that she not be named – are said to be confident she will make a full recovery in time for their next pro-hunt meeting in October.

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