A rally designed to encourage Scots to vote against breaking up the United Kingdom was held in London this evening, after organisers decided against holding it in Scotland on account of it being “too far away and fucking freezing.”
Over two thousand people flocked into Trafalgar Square to wave flags and point excitedly at celebrities – including musician Bob Geldof and comedian, Eddie Izzard – in the utterly misguided belief that their actions would have even the faintest impact on Scottish voters as they approach Thursday’s historic vote on independence.
Irish-born Geldof (62) enthralled the audience as he talked at length about the many and varied things he loves about Scotland, from “those little purple flower things” to its “many tasty biscuits.”
Funnyman Izzard was quick to agree: “Soooo, yeah… Scotland. It’s great. Yes,” he said in his trademark drawl, before launching into a seven-minute improvisation about dolphin-flavoured jam, delivered in the style of actor Sean Connery.
A carnival atmosphere soon gripped the gathered union supporters, as they excitedly recounted their own favourite traits of their Scottish neighbours, like the way they’re always drunk, their tightness with money, and their love of deep-fried confectionery which, everyone agreed, “the fat Jock fuckers can’t get enough off.”
“I love Scotland!” cheered rally attendee, Lucy Hawkes (27). “It’s one of my favourite places in the whole world, and I’d hate to see it go!”
Added Lucy: “I mean, obviously I’ve never been, because it’s always pissing down, and there are wolves there, but… um… we love you, Scotland!”
When asked if the rally would have had more impact had it actually been held in Scotland, or at least within 400 miles of its border, Boomtown Rats frontman, Geldof, joked: “Up there? In September? Fuck off.”
The same question was posed to comedian-turned-actor, Izzard, but he was pretending to be a Dalek and so unable to respond.