Web surfers the world over were left lost and bewildered yesterday, after a gang of Malaysian men succeeded in stealing the internet.
It is believed the four men had lain in wait for several hours until all 2.2 billion of the world’s internet users weren’t looking, before making their move. Working quickly, three of the men are thought to have disconnected the internet, before bundling it into the back of a stolen Ford transit van which was being driven by a fourth accomplice.
When they returned to their screens, net users were horrified to discover a series of “Page Cannot Be Displayed” errors where the internet had been only moments before. Many dismissed the problem as a temporary glitch, but as the hours passed more and more web users found themselves with little option but to go outside, look up from their smartphones, and – in some extreme cases – interact directly with other members of the human race.
“I knew something was wrong immediate,” pasty-faced online gaming addict, Craig Bennet (38) said. “I was half way through a sixteen hour session of [online role playing game] Everquest, when I went for a pee break. When I came back the connection had died, and there was nothing I could do to get it back. Nothing was responding.”
Added a physically withered and emotionally withdrawn Craig: “I was scared. Real scared.”
Craig, like millions of other diehard users, spent the next several hours staring at his computer screen, repeatedly clicking his browser’s “Refresh” button in an attempt to somehow force the internet back into life. Little did they suspect that by this point the world wide web was undergoing a complete respray in a warehouse located in the northern area of the Malaysian city of Kuching.
It is believed that the gang had stolen the internet with the intention of selling it on the black market, and they may have succeeded were it not for an anonymous tip-off received by international law enforcement agency, INTERPOL several hours after the theft had been carried out.
The tip-off led armed officers directly to the Malaysian warehouse, where the four men were attempting to remove all distinguishing marks from the stolen internet with an high-powered industrial sander. A firefight ensued, during which it is believed popular audio streaming service, Spotify, may have sustained a critical injury.
Spotify – one of the web’s most successful music services, which allows users to stream tracks by their favourite artists – is thought to have taken a stray bullet to the central database, instantly wiping out tens of thousands of albums. Experts believe that the chances of the service recovering from the damage are slim.
Despite the loss of Spotify, INTERPOL hailed the operation a success, with three of the four gang members captured alive. After receiving medical attention for their multiple gunshot wounds, the three men will be taken to INTERPOL’s French headquarters for questioning, with charges expected to be raised soon after.
“At the moment – and despite the evidence – they’re claiming they didn’t do it,” a spokesman for INTERPOL said. “Rest assured, though, we will not stop until we have gained a successful prosecution.”
Added the spokesman: “For we are INTERPOL, and no wrongdoer shall evade our might!”
As a mark of respect for the fallen Spotify, a two minute e-mail silence is planned for tomorrow afternoon at 2pm EST.