Reality TV star and DJ, Joey Essex, today confirmed that he is to embark on a two year trek into uncharted regions of space, after a freak accident at a Hartlepool nuclear power plant granted him mysterious cosmic powers.
Essex (24) was filming at the plant for his new series, Oh Joey, which sees the star undertake a number of excruciatingly difficult challenges – including disarming a bomb in a packed shopping centre, and carrying out complex paediatric surgery in a ditch – against a strict time limit.
It is believed Essex was attempting to decommission the plant’s secondary reactor when he inadvertently opened a magnetically sealed pressure vent, flooding the control room with dangerous levels of radiation. While being evacuated from the control room onto an adjoining roof, Essex – who rose to fame in ITV2’s 2012 reality series, The Only Way is Essex – was struck by a bolt of lightning to the head.
Although eyewitnesses who saw Essex fall from the roof with his head and upper torso ablaze were convinced he was dead, scientists believe that, rather than kill him outright, the high voltage electricity and normally lethal dose of radiation somehow combined to turn the I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here star into the most powerful being who has ever lived.
“Individually, either the radiation levels or the lightning strike to the face would almost certainly have ended his life,” said Doctor Brian Franks, who examined Essex after the incident, “but when the two elements combined they somehow turned Joey into something more than alive. More than human. Something I don’t believe the world has ever seen before.”
In the hours following the accident, Essex discovered he had gained powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal men – powers which he now intends to use to defend Earth from the threat of intergalactic terrorism.
“I see with the eyes of all living things. I hear with the ears of the Universe. I am one with all existence,” Essex telepathically implanted into the heads of all journalists everywhere last night, “and I shall protect our Mother Earth from all those who would seek to cause her harm.”
Added the star: “For I am Joey Essex, and I possess the power of a thousand exploding suns.”
Essex – who in 2013 revealed he was unable to tell the time – went on to say he planned to spend the next twenty-four months exploring the galaxy and vanquishing injustice in all its forms. At the end of the two years, the self-appointed cosmic guardian intends to return to Earth to pursue a career in music which, he claims, he is “dead good at.”
Mr Essex went on to force into the minds of each and every member of the world’s press that he would “sorely miss the United Britain, and Essex in particular,” but revealed that the Thargians of Gaalak 4 were currently constructing a thousand-strong fleet of battleships, leaving him “no choice but to investigate further”.
Fellow TOWIE cast member and on-off girlfriend of the star, Sam Faiers, said she’ll be sorry to see Mr Essex leave for the outer rim of the galaxy, but understands that extra-terrestrial threats to the continued existence of Earth “must come first.”