Miliband Reveals Plan to Regenerate Physical Form

Labour Party leader, Ed Miliband, stunned members of the shadow cabinet yesterday, when he revealed that in the event of Labour failing to get into power in the May 2015 general election, he intends to “regenerate like Doctor Who.”

Although physical regeneration – the metamorphosis from one body to another – was previously assumed to exist solely within the confines of science fiction, Miliband (44) insists he has not only perfected the technique, but will demonstrate it on a special live edition of the BBC’s The One Show in the event of a Labour defeat at the polls.

The announcement comes amid fears that the Camden-born Miliband lacks the charisma and personality to lead his party to victory, with many back benchers voicing their concerns that his utter lack of any kind of presence or authority whatsoever may prove to be a liability come election time.

While some party members were pleased by Mr Miliband’s announcement, and fully support the idea of him regenerating into a potentially more effective Prime Ministerial candidate, others – including shadow chancellor, Ed Balls – remain unconvinced.

“Should we fail at the elections in May, then Ed ought to step down,” said Mr Balls, who many have tipped to replace Mr Miliband in the event of his resignation. “To suggest he instead metamorphasises into an entirely different person in order to continue as leader is, frankly, very unfair.”

Added Mr Balls: “To me, in particular.”

THATCHER

Shadow Welsh Secretary, Owen Smith, disagrees:

“Let us not forget that Ed is a very capable man,” said Mr Smith. “Not only was he Chairman of HM Treasury’s Council of Economic Advisers, but he was also the youngest Labour leader in history.

“If anyone can rearrange every existing molecule in his body in order to adopt an entirely new physical appearance, it’s Ed Miliband.”

Formerly classified documents released recently revealed that former Conservative Prime Minister, Margaret Thatcher, was working on similar plans to continue in office prior to her surprise sacking in 1990. Unlike Miliband’s proposal, Baroness Thatcher’s plan was said to have involved her “devouring the soul of a living host” and inhabiting their body.

Unfortunately for Thatcher her party refused to back her in a second round of leadership elections and she was forced to step down before she could perfect the technique.

It is believed that Mr Miliband will make a televised address to the nation this afternoon, during which he is expected to reveal full details of his proposed regeneration scheme. The Opposition Leader is also scheduled to appear on Blue Peter later this evening, where he will invite school children from across the UK to submit designs for what they think his new face may look like.

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