“Remarkable” New Book of Bible Discovered

A Christian research team has discovered what is believed to be a missing book of the Old Testament, which they claim proves the world and everything in it really was created by the Lord God Almighty in just seven days.

The find comes just a few days after the discovery of a new species of human in a cave in South Africa, which many scholars had speculated could disprove the theory of Creationism once and for all.

The newly uncovered book of the Old Testament, however, is said to make reference to several different branches of the human race, and additionally includes over sixty pages dedicated to God’s creation of the dinosaurs. It is also reported that the book explicitly states that prior to making the Earth, the Lord first gained experience by creating other planets, but added that none of them has any life on them, so we should all stop looking.

ARCHBISHOP

“This is a remarkable find,” said Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, who worked closely with the team of researchers to analyse their findings. “It explains that, basically, we’ve been right all along, and that God did create the dinosaurs and different types of human and all that stuff, so everyone can just shut up about it.”

Written in Hebrew, the currently unnamed book – which was found in a ditch just outside Wigan – falls chronologically between Genesis and Exodus. It goes to great lengths to explain how God came up with the idea of evolution, as well as how he triggered the Big Bang – the cosmic explosion often-believed to mark the beginning of the universe – “just by clapping.”

“This is a real blow for the doubters,” said research team leader, Abraham Downs. “Richard Dawkins and that lot can go on about science or whatever all they like, but there’s no denying what’s written down in black and white. God definitely did create the world, and that’s all there is to it.”

Although the text has been deemed too sacred to pass on to the broader scientific community for analysis, Christian scientists insist that the document is “proper old” due to its “crinkly, yellow paper and weird smell,” and the fact that none of its pages are lined.

While a full translation of the new book is still underway, one verse appears to suggest that anyone questioning the church’s wisdom or authority should immediately be put to death – something Mr Trelby has described as “firm, but fair.”

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