Satellite imagery obtained by NewsThing last night shows what appears to be an artificial penis of immense length and girth located in the heart of England’s Lake District.
The giant phallus, which our experts estimate to be approximately eighty metres from the tip of the shaft to the base of the scrotum, appears to be branded with Better Together’s “UKOK” slogan, which has led to much speculation north of the border in the run up to Thursday’s historic independence referendum.
Although officials from the Better Together camp were quick to deny any knowledge of the giant phallus, one Conservative party backbencher – who has asked to remain nameless – revealed that David Cameron himself had ordered its construction, at a cost to the taxpayer of some forty-six million pounds.
“He might not look it now, but the Prime Minister is deeply confident of a No vote on Thursday,” said the backbencher. “Which is why he personally drew up plans for the enormous phallus and authorised whatever funding was required to have it built.”
Should Scotland vote in favour of staying within the United Kingdom, it is alleged that the giant phallus will be driven up the M6 on a specially constructed flatbed truck and “forcibly inserted” into Dumfries & Galloway.
Once across the border, the phallus’s powerful internal mechanism will activate, propelling several thousand gallons of “hot, gelatinous jizz” across homes and businesses in Gretna Green.
There the phallus will remain, exhausted and spent, as a reminder to future generations of the valued role Scotland plays within the wider United Kingdom.