Scientists Hail Miracle Obesity Cure

Doctors at Germany’s renowned Hoffenheim Institute today announced the discovery of a “miracle cure” for obesity, which they claim to have tested on hundreds of adult subjects with complete success.

The cure is said to have been discovered by a team led by Dr Gunther Herzweld, a dietician specialising in adult clinical obesity, and is set to revolutionise the way millions of overweight people worldwide go about losing weight.

“We looked at the current fad diets, as well as all the pills, drinks, lotions, and mechanical aids on the market and studied them all closely,” Herzweld explained. “Though some of them proved mildly effective to a limited degree, we found nothing which returned consistent results in all test subjects.”

Continued Herzweld: “Which is when we decided to try a radically different approach.”

Over a period of several months, the team discovered that by eating less food – particularly those high in fat content – test subject were able to make significant improvements to their Body Mass Index (BMI). Indeed, of all the subjects who stuck closely to Herzwerld’s programme, not one failed to reduce their weight level by a substantial amount.

FAT FOR LIFE

“I’d tried everything,” one woman who’d agreed to take part in the tests told us. “I’d done Atkins, the Cabbage Soup Diet, the All You Can Eat Diet, I’d tried [diet pills] Cheat & Eat, Xerisan, Solidax – you name it, I’d tried it, and none of it worked. I thought I was fat for life.”

Added the woman: “Dr Herzweld’s idea seemed pretty far-fetched to me, but I had nothing to lose, so gave it a try. The results were incredible!”

While many weight loss medications focus on blocking fat cells from being absorbed by the body, Herzweld’s technique involves cutting down on the amount of fat actually going into the body in the first place – a concept which scientists at the British Medical Research Council are hailing as “revolutionary”.

“These findings will rock the very foundations of the diet industry,” BMRC Chief Executive, Professor Colin Blakemore said, “and this may well be the miracle needed to halt the obesity epidemic which is spreading throughout so many Western countries.”

“It almost makes the Research Council’s own vibrating corset project seem silly by comparison,” Blakemore added.

BALANCE

“Our research indicates that people gain weight by consuming a higher number of energy units – which we call ‘calories’ – than they use up. These excess energy units, or ‘calories’ are then converted into fat cells, which the body stores for future use,” Herzweld explained to a packed press conference, yesterday. “By adjusting this balance so that fewer calories are consumed than are being used, we appear to be able to consistently bring about weight loss in the subject without fail.”

Herzweld went on to say that a second team of researchers from the Hoffenheim Institute were carrying out further investigations into “other startling discoveries” in the field of weight loss. These discoveries are thought to centre around the concept of increasing physical activity levels in test subjects, and initial findings are said to be promising.

It is hoped that both teams can one day combine their research to provide a complete weight loss programme which would benefit obese and overweight people around the globe, though a spokesman for the Hoffenheim institute cautioned that in reality this may be “some years away”.

Kirstie Alley, star of the 2005 US television comedy, Fat Actress, was unavailable to comment on the findings.

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