Scots Voters Favour Child Poverty over Alex Salmond’s Face

A majority of voters in yesterday’s historic referendum in Scotland decided they much preferred the thought of malnourished children dying in filthy, damp-ridden squalor, than the thought of SNP leader Alex Salmond’s “smug fat face.”

Speaking before a large crowd in Glasgow following the announcement of the result this morning, Better Together leader, Alistair Darling, congratulated voters on a job well done, saying that while Scotland was now faced by years of deep austerity measures, a devastating cut in its budget and the “complete annihilation” of its NHS, at least the electorate wouldn’t be forced to see the First Minister “grinning like the cat who got the cream.”

“Over the course of the last two Westminster governments, we’ve sat back and watched thirty-thousand families in Scotland be plunged headlong into poverty,” said Mr Darling, “and apparently you’re all absolutely fine with that, which is great!”

Added Darling: “I must admit, I was nervous. It was touch and go for a while there. Thank god for Alex Salmond’s face.”


The face of the First Minister has played an important role throughout the past 18 months of campaigning, having been described by various members of the No campaign as “smug”, “smarmy” and even “baw-chopped”.

Salmond: "Wouldn't tire of punching."
Salmond: “Wouldn’t tire of punching.”

“I have to say, the Yes campaign made a strong case,” said one female voter shortly after the result was announced, “I mean I’m dead against children dying and nuclear bombs, and I’m strongly opposed to members of the unelected House of Lords being paid £300 a day just for showing up.

“But it’s Salmond’s face I really can’t stand. The self-satisfied wee prick.”

Sentiment from most of the No voters gathered to hear the result in Edinburgh was broadly the same. While most agreed that thousands of people being reliant on food banks in one of the richest economies in the world was “obscene,” they considered it a necessary evil if that meant “wiping the smirk off Alex Salmond’s fat face.”

“It’s a pure shame we’ll lose the NHS, and all they weans’ll have to pay their own university fees and that,” said a jubilant Better Together campaigner. “But at the end of the day, yon Salmond’s a smug-looking wee knob. I’d love to see his greetin’ coupon now.”

First Minister, Salmond, has released a statement to say that while he must “acknowledge responsibility” for his face, he is nevertheless “totally raging” about the result of yesterday’s ballot.

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