06:29 – Well that’s it. Calling it a night like I should have done EIGHT STUPID HOURS AGO! I’ll leave you with this:
Thanks for joining me and sharing this nonsense on Twitter. You’ve helped keep me sane and I love you all dearly. Cheerio!
06:19 – Now we must accept the consequences of the decision… This is getting a bit ominous. I hope he hasn’t got a bomb.
Oh no, he’s just saying he wants the new powers Westminster promised. Phew. Dodged a bullet there.
He’s trash-talking Cameron now, but the fire’s dead behind his eyes. He’s like… I don’t know, an empty crisp bag or something. It’s been a long night, much of which has been spent crying and eating butter, you can’t expect beautiful metaphors after that.
06:16 – How tempted must Salmond be to the people of Scotland to just shove it up our arse, then walk off in disgust?
He looks pretty positive actually. Mind you, he’s been in bed half the night and has been sitting here having his hopes and dreams noisily shat on as a crowd of baying Tories watches on.
06:15 – Can’t be sure, but I think I just saw Danny Alexander drain the life force from a BBC researcher.
Alex Salmond on now. Smiling, but sad around the eyes, like a panda. That can smile.
06:11 – All over officially now. Highlands – my area – still to declare. I almost don’t want to hear it, though. Maybe the counting officer could come on dressed as a Womble or something to lighten the mood a bit.
Hang on, Danny Alexander alert. Just caught a glimpse of him materialising in the BBC studio and instantly lowering the charisma of the room by 27%.
06:03 – Brave of Alistair Darling to do his victory speech in Glasgow, considering it voted Yes. I hear he’s going to be parachuted into George Square dressed in a Ginger Spice Union Jack dress.
Fair play to him.
06:00 – Actually, by my reckoning we can still do this.
Granted, I’m numerically illiterate, but got to hold onto the hope where we can, eh?
05:57 – Argyll & Bute putting the final nails in the coffin for the Yes vote.
What has struck me throughout tonight is how many people managed to mark both boxes. What’s that all about?
Aberdeenshire result in – 60/40 in favour of No.
05:54 – Aberdeenshire – lovely Aberdeenshire – about to…
Oh no, it’s been cut off. Edinburgh now instead.
That’s it! It’s all over. Scotland will be remaining part of the UK, which has some deeply worrying consequences for the Borders and East Lothian. Then again, they both voted No, so they deserve everything that’s coming to them.
05:49 – Apologies for the break in programming. I’ve been curled up on the kitchen floor, spooning three tubs of buttercream icing into my mouth and sobbing uncontrollably.
I am genuinely amazed at the result. Looks like Scotland loves dem Tories. Especially Orkney.
Looking at the colours on the map, were Scotland the Blockbusters Gold Run board, there’d be no way to win, and I fear that’s the case with regards Scottish independence, too.
03:08 – Taking a break from the misery for a while now. I might go and look at some pictures of cats or something. Or just rock back and forth indefinitely.
03:05 – Another fire alarm in Dundee. What are they playing at?
02:55 – Eilean Siar declaring in a minute. That’s the Western Isles for most of us. That’ll almost certainly be a No if my finely honed political instincts (and all those people on Twitter) are correct.
Here it comes… now.
Oh god, he’s doing it in Gaelic first. I’m not sure he’s ever spoke Gaelic before, though.
That’s it, then. Can I go to bed now, do we think?
02:52 – Please, No camp, stop going on about the currency now. The votes have been cast. You don’t need to keep banging on about it and saying that the question was never answered. It was definitely answered. I heard it.
02:48 – The SNP MSPs are looking a lot less confident now. They started the night giving it “Yaaaaas!” then dialled that down to a “We can probably do this!” and now are just sort of sagging their shoulders while huffing and puffing like an asthmatic big bad wolf.
02:45 – Bit of positive news, at last! Over on Twitter it has been confirmed by 20th Century Fox that they’ll be releasing a movie based on the Marvel comics character, Deadpool, in early 2016.
Sorry, you were probably expecting something about the referendum there. Nothing positive for Yes voters there so far. Sorry.
02:41 – And boom, we’re off to Shetland.
This is not boding very well, but only 12,000 odd votes difference.
02:37 – Who is this wraith-like figure on the telly now? Thought I’d accidentally flicked back over to the Walking Dead for a minute there. His shirt’s open at the bottom, so we can see his stomach and—
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! MICHAEL GOVE IS ON MY TELEVISION. MUST… RESIST… URGE TO… KILL SOMETHING.
02:35 – Sorry, was delayed there for a bit while I wept uncontrollably for 20 minutes.
Things are starting to look a bit grim. Only two declarations, but from the rumours at a number of other areas it’s looking like it’s going to swing steadily to No overall.
Anyone else want to move with me to New Zealand?
02:10 – Cameron from Big Brother is now on talking about the result. I met him once! In Orkney, as it happens. He was quite nice, and even asked me for my autograph, bless him.
He’s looking very tired. I wonder if this is the latest he’s ever been up in his life.
02:01 – “David, I have to interrupt you for a moment.”
“Right, carry on.”
Oh, here’s Orkney now.