Spiders Fucking Horrible, Study Confirms

A report published today in the journal of the American Association for the Advancement of Science (AAAS) has confirmed the commonly-held belief that spiders are fucking horrible.

The findings come at the end of a five-year study by a team at the Smithsonian Tropical Research Institute in Panama, and are said to prove once and for all just how categorically horrifying the creatures are.

The report – which includes several pages of high-definition close-up photography guaranteed to inflict waking nightmares upon all who bear witness to its horrors – compares at length the characteristics of several varieties of arachnid, before coming to the conclusion that each is just as uncompromisingly hideous as the last.

“They’re just completely fucking awful,” said researcher, Angela Sanderson (32), her body wracked by violent involuntary shudders. “I mean, eight legs I can almost forgive, but eight eyes? What needs eight eyes? Something that has evolved for the sole specific purpose of giving the heebie-jeebies to everyone it meets, that’s what.”

Added Ms Sanderson: “Oh God, I just felt something move on my neck. Is there something there? There’s something there, isn’t there? Don’t let it get into my hair. Get it off, get it off, get it off!”

HARROWING

Spiders, which liquify their prey by vomiting or injecting their digestive juices deep into its flesh, have been considered to be fucking horrible since records began, but this is the first time a study has been able to determine all the full harrowing details as to why.

“I mean, just look at that thing,” said research team leader, Professor Jorge Martinez (56), visibly recoiling as he clicked frantically through a series of excruciatingly close-up spider images on his presentation screen. “This one can hide underwater for a whole day if it wants to. This one can run at ten miles per hour. This fucker hides under leaves and leaps out when you least expect it, and this one… Christ, I don’t even know.”

The team, who as part of their research spent 146 hours trapped underground with several hundred Goliath Birdeater Tarantulas in complete darkness, concluded its report by advising that upon encountering any of the world’s estimated 40,000 different types of spider, the correct course of action should be to “kill it with a shoe.”

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