Stars Bid Fond Farewell to DeVito

Some of Hollywood’s best known stars came out to attend an extravagant yet poignant ceremony last night, to bid farewell to much loved comedy actor, Danny DeVito (69).

DeVito, who in 2012 was diagnosed with an entirely unique medical condition subsequently dubbed “DeVito Syndrome”, has been gradually shrinking for the past three years, and is expected to reach the subatomic level before the end of the month.

Once smaller than an atom, DeVito’s size is expected to continue decreasing, until the Batman Returns star finally shrinks out of existence, which experts predict will be some time in late September. Plucky Devito has jokingly dubbed September 29th “Where’s Danny? Day”, as this is the date by which it is anticipated the actor will be smaller than any current scientific instruments can see.

TECHNOLOGY

Many of the hundreds of household names who attended the ceremony wept as DeVito – now barely the size of a grain of salt – appeared on stage before them one last time, thanks to the use of high-tech video technology donated by Avatar director, James Cameron. Using state of the art miniature cameras, technicians were able to broadcast an enlarged image of the tiny DeVito, successfully conveying the impression that he had returned to his relatively towering height of five feet.

Powerful microphones were hooked up to the climate controlled box which the star must inhabit 24 hours a day in order to remain protected from insects and other predators. Some of Hollywood’s most talented sound engineers continuously monitored and adjusted the audio levels from the microphones, so that those in the audience could hear DeVito’s farewell to them all, as well as the upbeat rendition of The Sound of Music‘s “So Long, Farewell” which he performed with wife of 32 years, Rhea Pearlman.

“Do not grieve for me, for I am not dead,” DeVito told the hushed theatre, “I am merely smaller than the human eye can comprehend. My one and only regret is that I cannot hold Rhea’s hand, just one more time.”

Added the diminutive star: “Because if I did I’d be instantly killed.”

Pearlman – who shot to fame alongside Ted Danson in the hit US sitcom, Cheers – choked back tears during her husband’s speech, before receiving a ten minute standing ovation when she crossed to his on-screen video image and kissed it tenderly on the lips.

MOVIE

“It seems like only yesterday we were co-starring in Twins,” said DeVito’s Twins co-star and former governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger, “and now he’s going to be the size of an electron in a matter of days. It’s like something out of a science-fiction movie. Like Total Recall.”

Added Arnold: “Or Terminator.”

Despite the tragic circumstances, many scientists are excited about what DeVito might witness as he continues to shrink to nothingness. Some experts even go so far as to speculate that rather than disappear, the Taxi star may actually become an unfeasibly large giant in another Universe which exists inside the Higgs Boson – the scalar elementary particle first discovered by CERN’s Large Hadron Collider in 2012.

Once in this miniscule universe, however, DeVito would almost certainly be crushed in the cold vacuum of space – an eventuality which the New Jersey born actor has said would be “a bit disappointing”.

Get More of this Stuff
Join the NewsThing newsletter today

Enjoying our no-nonsense, hard-hitting investigative journalism here on NewsThing? Then stick in your details and get the weekly newsletter from the UK's newest and fastest-growing news satire site. Ensure you never miss another story again, and get to read the occasional exclusive not available on the site.

If you've read this far, you've missed the bit where you put in your details. Move your eyes about half an inch up the page.

Start spreading the news...Share on Google+0Share on LinkedIn0Tweet about this on TwitterShare on Tumblr0Pin on Pinterest0Share on Facebook77

Leave a Reply

*