TV’s Bear Grylls “Not Really a Bear,” Finds Study

A three-year study into TV survival expert, Bear Grylls, has determined that the forty-one-year-old presenter is a human being of the order homo sapien, and not actually a bear at all.

The research was carried out by a team from Aberystwyth University, who utilised a range of techniques to determine Grylls’s origins, including DNA testing, MRI scans and looking at a photograph of him.

Surprised by their initial findings, the team ran a number of further tests to ensure there could be no mistake.

“We couldn’t believe what we were seeing with the intial tests, so we decided to drill down further to try to get to the bottom of it all,” explained Professor Alan McQuarrie, who headed up the team.

“We investigated his winter sleep patterns, his opinion of honey and a list of other factors, and while he passed the ‘defacating in the woods’ test, the other results left no margin for doubt: Bear Grylls is definitely not a real bear.”

As a result of the paper which is published today, Grylls’s career could well be in jeopardy. US broadcaster, NBC, who recently signed a deal with the star to host another series of his show, Running Wild, has expressed its disappointment with the findings, and has called an emergency meeting with show producers to discuss what it calls Grylls’s “orchestrated campaign of deception.”

Mr Grylls himself was unavailable for comment this morning, as he was killing a hippo with a pen.

Get More of this Stuff
Join the NewsThing newsletter today

Enjoying our no-nonsense, hard-hitting investigative journalism here on NewsThing? Then stick in your details and get the weekly newsletter from the UK's newest and fastest-growing news satire site. Ensure you never miss another story again, and get to read the occasional exclusive not available on the site.

If you've read this far, you've missed the bit where you put in your details. Move your eyes about half an inch up the page.

Start spreading the news...Share on Google+0Share on LinkedIn0Tweet about this on TwitterShare on Tumblr0Pin on Pinterest0Share on Facebook98

Leave a Reply

*