“UK Safe,” announces Bank of England Governor, While Hastily Dousing Office in Petrol

Governor of the Bank of England, Mark Carney, has moved to assure financial investors that the vote to leave the EU will have no long-term negative impact on the UK, while simultaneously dousing his office in highly flammable kerosene.

Addressing concerns about the sharp plunge in the FTSE index which wiped upwards of £120 billion off the UK stock market, a visibly shaken Carney twisted the lower half of his face into a semblance of a smile, as he frantically tipped gallon upon gallon of volatile liquid over his desk and floor.

“Look, it’s fine,” said Mr Carney (51), sloshing gasoline from a metal canister over a haphazardly-stacked pile of paperwork. “Yes, there might be some bumps on the road ahead, but I’m sure it’ll all straighten itself out, right?”

Added Canadian-born Carney: “Right?!”

When asked for his reaction on news that the pound has plummeted to an historic low against the US dollar, Mr Carney nodded for well over three minutes, his mouth occasionally opening, then quickly closing again.

“The important thing is not to panic,” Mr Carney eventually said, patting his jacket pockets and ushering journalists towards the door. “Seriously, what’s the point?” he added, before breaking into a high-pitched braying laugh, unbuckling his belt and kicking off his shoes.

“Now, if you’ll excuse me, it’s been a long night,” said Mr Carney, his words slurring as the fumes of the gasoline took effect. “And I could really do with a cigarette.”

When asked for his reaction on Mr Carney’s statement, UKIP leader, Nigel Farage, said it didn’t matter, because he’s not English.

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