Universe Not Infinite, New Study Reveals

The universe, which was previously believed to be infinitely large in scale, is in fact less than six hundred miles from end to end, a new study has shown.

Using state-of-the-art measuring equipment, a team of researchers in Arizona set out to calculate the size of the cosmos back in March, in what should have been a decade-long scientific study. However, the equipment almost immediately reported the universe’s size as 9.64801728 × 1014 – or just under 600 miles.

Assuming their equipment must be malfunctioning, the team recalibrated and tried again, only to be presented with the same result.

VOID

“In the end, we tested over twelve times, and each time the result came back identical,” explained research team leader, Professor Benjamin Coyne. “Rather than being a vast, infinite void as we’ve always believed, the universe is in fact less than six hundred miles from one end to the other as the crow flies.

“Although a crow couldn’t actually fly it,” Mr Coyne added, “as it would be crushed in the cold vacuum of space.”

The findings, which are expected to have knock-on consequences for future missions into space, will be published in a number of scientific journals next month, allowing other researchers to further investigate the team’s discovery.

When asked to explain how our entire solar system and all the galaxies beyond could fit into an area barely twice the length of the M6 motorway, Professor Coyne replied: “Science.”

With their initial research complete well ahead of schedule, the team is expected to spend the next several years using the multi-billion dollar testing equipment to measure which of them is able to throw a ball the highest.

Get More of this Stuff
Join the NewsThing newsletter today

Enjoying our no-nonsense, hard-hitting investigative journalism here on NewsThing? Then stick in your details and get the weekly newsletter from the UK's newest and fastest-growing news satire site. Ensure you never miss another story again, and get to read the occasional exclusive not available on the site.

If you've read this far, you've missed the bit where you put in your details. Move your eyes about half an inch up the page.

Start spreading the news...Share on Google+0Share on LinkedIn0Tweet about this on TwitterShare on Tumblr0Pin on Pinterest0Share on Facebook14

Leave a Reply

*